One of the biggest culture shocks I experienced living in Moscow as a salty expat New Yorker, was the fact that Russians see a man raising his voice as a sign of weakness. As a New Yorker, it is the exact opposite.Timid people get no sandwiches, and if you get screwed by someone stealing your taxi or anything else, you howl at them at the top of your lungs, it is your birthright. So, me yelling Moscow was met with "why are you crying like a woman! Be a man," It was frustrating and fairly impossible, as I am a walker and drivers constantly run red lights, barrel out of driveways and in general try to run people over. Typically with my daughter, I would yell at them like no tomorrow, swearing in any language I could muster, as they had indeed made me furious - meanwhile, I was a "weak" man yelling them. Some cultures are 100% opposite.
The other thought I had reading this, was how common it was for married men in Moscow to have affairs, sleep with prostitutes, etc, while their wives were expected to wait patiently at home, and while these women could (and should) dress like they are from Sex in the City (how many miniskirts did I see when it was -20C?) they should be beautiful models, yet completely faithful to these husbands. I saw this with the rich as much as the poor, and it was so bland, so common that it was simply accepted as normal. That blew my mind.
Never thought about the voice raising, but now that you mention it, it is true. I don’t remember the men around me yelling. I did once have an absolutely unhinged boss - American Ivy-league educated guy who would allow himself to yell and even throw staplers at walls. I don’t think he understood that the system was different (can’t fire people on the spot and send them out with a little box of their stuff) and acted like an enraged plantation owner, his behaviour was embarrassing. I think this was more to do with being “the boss” than a man. The attitude was shocking though. Russian bosses would express any rage and displeasure calmly and quietly (and in effect, more terrifyingly).
Also true about men often sleeping around, though maybe less with 30-40 year olds than older guys (maybe they're used to being so desperately in demand in the 1990s). I think this is common for many “high value” men across cultures - whether rich or some sort of celebrity, bohemian, macho etc. I think women generally value men more and are more forgiving, the men aren’t treated as disposable. But it is a woman's choice to put up with, being with them must outweigh the philandering.
Absolutely different grooming and presentation standards for sure for women, I never noticed how vastly different until I came back after a year away and rode the metro and everyone was a poreless goddess. I remember moving here (Park Slope) and thinking why are all the parents so old, tired and creased? How old are they?! And then I realised they aren’t even that old, everyone is just so hands off in terms of make up, hair, clothes. I think it’s a lot easier to be a woman here as putting on some mascara and a dress is already considered making a big effort - beauty pressure is non-existent.
Indeed. How many meetings did I go to in Moscow with some overweight guy stuffed into a sweater wearing no deodorant and no t-shirt underneath, stinking like hell, with a 20 year old assistant in stiletto heels. That was the look. Grooming!!!!
we only left 3 years ago. I think you are describing younger people and I am talking about 35+ types. I was around a lot of advertising and agency people, not thugs, not hipsters, just people pretending they knew how to do their job with no actual training.
Now I am remembering a client, a self professed oligarch, his office was close to that Lenin statue that still stands by Oktoberskaya. I was hired to create a brand style and sizzle reels for a potential tv channel dedicated to YACHTING. Yeah, he had a yacht, kept it in Estonia most of the time. He chain smoked and pretended not to speak English (I knew he did) instead he had three young women assistants that were translators during our epic tedious meetings about yacht living as he retold the same jokes and stories every time. they were all stunning, in heels, one blonde, one brunette, one red head. they were so much smarter than him, but they paraded around and made coffee and emptied ashtrays. he had such a weird office. the guy that came up with the beeline concept so many years ago was my connection to all of this. he left moscow, became a buddhist around then.
I did actually actually leave at that cutoff (35). I think the difference too is the sole oligarch types - I worked in more structured corporate environments and intersected with companies like Beeline, people were well-educated there and knew what they were doing.
There were glamorous/wtf creatives though - I dealt with “naming agencies” coked out of their heads to come up with ridiculously trite stuff for a lot of money, sitting around the table at those sessions was pretty unforgettable. But these weren’t big names like BBDO
I liked this. The difference with western culture is that because women were not forced to labour side by side with men, we had to fight for our right at the table, we adopted plenty of shields against men not taking us seriously at work. If I counted the many times some dude has mansplained my job to me I would fall asleep. I too like my husband for his masculine ways around me, but I appreciate that his nature is to see me as his equal, and he doesn’t say “you are hysterical” when I get upset about something, but now that I think about it, none of my former partners have, possibly because it has nothing to do with masculinity, but with maturity and mutual respect. So I guess I am saying I agree with your comment on grown-ass people acting like teenagers.
Women weren’t forced into labor, actually fought for it, demanded it and were one of the forces that drove the revolution. But then I think many were exhausted by what followed, because they were doing double shifts as mothers, managing the home etc, and it was a Catch-22. Also immense pressure during and after WWII, with 27 million lives lost (up to 80% of them men), so women were often on their own completely. Upside is a lot of women in technical professions and science (even in the 1960s nearly half the engineers were women and so on), and as a result little mansplaining.
Agree that because in Western culture these liberties were won many decades later and the situation is at a different stage. We had a reset to male/female relationships in Russia in the 1990s with the “shock therapy” that led to societal collapse, which in turn led to a return to a more traditional roles.
I’m with you that it is about maturity, respect and being a kind, decent person, and that there are assholes in both sexes.
The immature behaviour I think is just ridiculous and insulting to both parties.
I read a post by a woman recently who said what many men don't realise (in the west, but perhaps all over the place) is that the sexiest thing they can offer (that has a chance of lasting) is being competent. Just that. It's nice to have the body of David. But quiet competence wins out. Aesop should have written a fable about that.
The policing of relationships by the very participants (not just their friends, or wider society), the prevalence of clinical psychobabble that tends towards ruling out risk, or pathologising disappointment, the use of ideas that may be well-meant, but are also quasi-judicial - 'boundaries' - I fear it drains the magic out. If you don't start with a tank full of magic, what on earth will your engine run on?
(Does that mean I don't care about abuse in relationships, or 'gas lighting' and all of that? Of course I do. But I also care about losing the baby along with all the bathwater.)
When I was younger, the idea of pre-nups came across the ocean to the UK. I could see the 'logic' but couldn't see the sense. Falling in love and getting married, very young by today's standards, in a foreign country and without a proper job, I knew I could lose what little I had - but that, surely, was the whole point. It wasn't a measured transaction - that would have been charmless, unlovable. Who wants to marry an emotional bookkeeper? It was all or nothing. 'Va bank', as you say in Russian. Po-drugomy nelzya.
I don’t think women place that much emphasis on appearance, especially as we become adults (within reason, not branching out into Jabba the Hutt). There’s something very off-putting about a man who admires his own biceps or spends a lot of time on his looks, it’s un-serious.
Absolutely agree about the draining of magic and your very aptly put “emotional bookkeeper” description!
Same situation for me with everything happening very young and things like prenups being outside my world entirely. I don’t know anyone in Russia who has ever signed a prenup. Always thought this was some very American thing from movies, or relevant if you are a stratospheric business deity with an empire.
I recently saw a reel pop up on social media how even female dogs judge you and will prefer the competent human. There was an experiment when people were opening a container with a lid and either succeeding or failing, and they found a big sex difference in “social evaluation abilities”, I actually looked this up
I think (beyond the choppy oceans of teenager-hood) there's a suspicion by many men of women who overdo the 'work' on themselves, as it is evidently now known. At their worst, today's trends present quite like self-mutilation.
As for dogs - that's fascinating! But it's certainly true that a dog of any sort will sense if you are a bag of nerves. They'll either sympathise and try to encourage you for a while - or run for it... Which is also not unlike us.
Typical person who thinks the rules she was raised with are fixed, unchangeable. To be sure the mammalian mating instinct is genetic which in turn determines a lot of the process but there are a great many transitional culturally determined fine points to the whole game. I really can't stand these types who say we did it this way and you err by not following our example. Narrowminded is the adjective that most describes her.
Very interesting essay, with a lovely writing style. I agree with so much of what you illustrate here re: masculinity.
Of course you know this, but still it is worth pointing out that NY is not all of America, or even quintessentially American. There are still major cultural differences between California, New England, the South, the Midwest, etc. Concepts of masculinity in the Western part of the US are entwined with the cowboy, the outlaw, the lawman, etc.
And I suppose Americans have a different understanding of female beauty and makeup etc, probably influenced by prairie, WASP and puritan life. In general, large cities are going to have a lot of cultures mixed together, and for that reason it isn’t quite right to equate places like NY with “American culture.” NY is a lot of cultures from a lot of different places.
Agree with your point about NY not being representative of the country. People often say this about Moscow as well. I tend to compare the two as stand-alone magnet metropolises, for myself.
Unfortunately, I haven’t seen enough of the country to witness these differences first hand, but am aware of them. I found Mainers very beautiful in a detached, Hemingwayan way.
I’ve heard funny stories from female friends about attitudes towards self-presentation and beauty. One told me about when she was driving down from NYC to Florida and stopped somewhere in the Southern states to check into a hotel for the night. Got out of the car dishevelled, all leggings with crumbs on them, just as a beautiful woman in a dress, hair done, was walking out of the hotel. The woman gave her a disgusted once-over, then looked at her NY license plate like, that explains it.
This was such an enjoyable read; I have just discovered your Substack and am immediately smitten. Such refreshing, interesting prose; the kind of writing that is really worth lingering over. Thank you so much; I shall be carefully rationing out the rest of your corpus!
Thank you for writing this. I have so many things to say about it but can’t collect my thoughts as I type but fully intend to return and reread. Suffice it to say that I am the mother of 2 big very masculine boys (and one girl) and a very macho husband (Turkish, we live in Istanbul) and for many years now, well especially since COVID, I’ve been aware more and more of the pathetic and ridiculous overuse of that term “toxic masculinity”….What does it even mean? It seems to inherently imply that there is a correct dose of masculinity, and that that should presumably a minimum one? But then two things come to mind: surely there can then be “toxic femininity”? Or is it only men who are subject to this correction of spirit? And the other thing that comes to mind is that this defanging of men, for that is what it is, has led to a tremendously sick imbalance in society in general. I felt it viscerally during those lockdown years of 2020-2022 when the sight of young strapping men wearing masks as they strode down streets alone (not so much here but in the US for sure) literally sickened me, though I wasn’t able to put my finger on why at the time. Later I realised it was because I felt “what are we facing if even the young warriors have masked up and are scared? I guess no one is coming to rescue us”…Anyway, this subject definitely deserves much careful attention, for I think you’ve put your finger on a topic that is actually at the center of much more than you might suspect, indeed the very building blocks of society!
Thank you for your sincere and passionate comment! I agree and feel strongly about the “defanging of men” – it is pathologizing the very essence of maleness, it is misandry and I think it is an evolutionary and social dead-end. It also seems a very sad and lonely way to live.
My post was a sort of frivolous rant, mainly inspired by listening to my single friends dating right now and wondering how adults in the developed world manage romantically at all today.
I have a son too and am bothered by the messaging rained down on boys, that is often not only ridiculous but destructive. Ultimately, I think kids do not as we tell them to do, but as they see us do, and I think a son watches his father and emulates the father’s behavior. I also know they will see and absorb at least some of the dynamics inside the family and the healthy atmosphere of respect and lack of “correcting the spirit”. Also, hanging out with dad and other men and experiencing that healthy, relaxed, often activity-centered atmosphere is a strong antidote to bullshit and demonstration of how to be.
>Meanwhile, in Eastern Europe and Russia in particular, women hold 49% of leadership positions (data from 2017-2021). Russia and other Eastern European countries routinely top international rankings of countries with women in senior business roles.
I think this is also specific to the post-Soviet space, because there was a shift after the Soviet Union collapsed. The Soviet Union focused on the state de facto taking over the man’s role. There was all this talk about creating strong Soviet women, and endless perks offered to women, but nothing really offered to men - not their health, social convenience etc. No clear role was offered to them in effect, except some kind of soldier, essentially disposable.
I'm not sure it's just post-Soviet - I think you could find these archetypes in poorer US states (I mean, if you saw the TV show Justified, it's all about that), even in Europe somewhere.
The link with education is clear, but it's interesting how financial prosperity or even stability kills those vibes.
I haven’t at all seen that prosperity or stability kills them - stepping out of an artificial, extremely Westernized enclave (international schools), it was everywhere. Later in the professional world too, Russian employees at multinational companies, etc. I speak mainly of Moscow and to some extent St Petersburg, but this is still very much the culture, with people doing very well financially, especially compared to the 1990s.
Very few women raised in western dystopias in the last 40 years could actually read this without being horrified. By and large their only ambition in life is to become third rate versions of men , because that is “power”. Real women have a totally different power to men , know it , use it and don’t need to ape men. Why would they?
The problem is more the women than the men. You mention that the first date is where a man is supposed to amaze her, and why would men wish to go through all that effort if another man can put little to no effort into the same girl and reap greater rewards? Women are the gatekeepers of men with whom they choose to sleep. The fixation on fun rather than maturity and virtue is dissuasive to great swaths of men. Additionally, there has been a study that suggested that women are attracted to what's called the dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy), and most men don't want to have act like antisocial scoundrel. The conclusion I have from the little skimming I did of your article is that it's the cliche of women blaming men and not taking responsibility in the part they had to play in creating the situation that they lament.
Thank you for a really in-depth interesting text! Could you perhaps elaborate on the term "Caligular relationship", as I did not quite catch on to what that is?
I once came up with "intoxicating masculinity" as a term for what you describe here, and have been meaning to use it in a short story ever since.
great description!
One of the biggest culture shocks I experienced living in Moscow as a salty expat New Yorker, was the fact that Russians see a man raising his voice as a sign of weakness. As a New Yorker, it is the exact opposite.Timid people get no sandwiches, and if you get screwed by someone stealing your taxi or anything else, you howl at them at the top of your lungs, it is your birthright. So, me yelling Moscow was met with "why are you crying like a woman! Be a man," It was frustrating and fairly impossible, as I am a walker and drivers constantly run red lights, barrel out of driveways and in general try to run people over. Typically with my daughter, I would yell at them like no tomorrow, swearing in any language I could muster, as they had indeed made me furious - meanwhile, I was a "weak" man yelling them. Some cultures are 100% opposite.
The other thought I had reading this, was how common it was for married men in Moscow to have affairs, sleep with prostitutes, etc, while their wives were expected to wait patiently at home, and while these women could (and should) dress like they are from Sex in the City (how many miniskirts did I see when it was -20C?) they should be beautiful models, yet completely faithful to these husbands. I saw this with the rich as much as the poor, and it was so bland, so common that it was simply accepted as normal. That blew my mind.
Never thought about the voice raising, but now that you mention it, it is true. I don’t remember the men around me yelling. I did once have an absolutely unhinged boss - American Ivy-league educated guy who would allow himself to yell and even throw staplers at walls. I don’t think he understood that the system was different (can’t fire people on the spot and send them out with a little box of their stuff) and acted like an enraged plantation owner, his behaviour was embarrassing. I think this was more to do with being “the boss” than a man. The attitude was shocking though. Russian bosses would express any rage and displeasure calmly and quietly (and in effect, more terrifyingly).
Also true about men often sleeping around, though maybe less with 30-40 year olds than older guys (maybe they're used to being so desperately in demand in the 1990s). I think this is common for many “high value” men across cultures - whether rich or some sort of celebrity, bohemian, macho etc. I think women generally value men more and are more forgiving, the men aren’t treated as disposable. But it is a woman's choice to put up with, being with them must outweigh the philandering.
Absolutely different grooming and presentation standards for sure for women, I never noticed how vastly different until I came back after a year away and rode the metro and everyone was a poreless goddess. I remember moving here (Park Slope) and thinking why are all the parents so old, tired and creased? How old are they?! And then I realised they aren’t even that old, everyone is just so hands off in terms of make up, hair, clothes. I think it’s a lot easier to be a woman here as putting on some mascara and a dress is already considered making a big effort - beauty pressure is non-existent.
Indeed. How many meetings did I go to in Moscow with some overweight guy stuffed into a sweater wearing no deodorant and no t-shirt underneath, stinking like hell, with a 20 year old assistant in stiletto heels. That was the look. Grooming!!!!
Very 90s! Think men have upped their game since then, sounds like state employee/apparatchik/thug style.
I’ve always enjoyed big office buildings rather than standalones because such a perpetual fashion show. Makes the corporate hamster wheel more fun.
we only left 3 years ago. I think you are describing younger people and I am talking about 35+ types. I was around a lot of advertising and agency people, not thugs, not hipsters, just people pretending they knew how to do their job with no actual training.
Now I am remembering a client, a self professed oligarch, his office was close to that Lenin statue that still stands by Oktoberskaya. I was hired to create a brand style and sizzle reels for a potential tv channel dedicated to YACHTING. Yeah, he had a yacht, kept it in Estonia most of the time. He chain smoked and pretended not to speak English (I knew he did) instead he had three young women assistants that were translators during our epic tedious meetings about yacht living as he retold the same jokes and stories every time. they were all stunning, in heels, one blonde, one brunette, one red head. they were so much smarter than him, but they paraded around and made coffee and emptied ashtrays. he had such a weird office. the guy that came up with the beeline concept so many years ago was my connection to all of this. he left moscow, became a buddhist around then.
I did actually actually leave at that cutoff (35). I think the difference too is the sole oligarch types - I worked in more structured corporate environments and intersected with companies like Beeline, people were well-educated there and knew what they were doing.
There were glamorous/wtf creatives though - I dealt with “naming agencies” coked out of their heads to come up with ridiculously trite stuff for a lot of money, sitting around the table at those sessions was pretty unforgettable. But these weren’t big names like BBDO
I liked this. The difference with western culture is that because women were not forced to labour side by side with men, we had to fight for our right at the table, we adopted plenty of shields against men not taking us seriously at work. If I counted the many times some dude has mansplained my job to me I would fall asleep. I too like my husband for his masculine ways around me, but I appreciate that his nature is to see me as his equal, and he doesn’t say “you are hysterical” when I get upset about something, but now that I think about it, none of my former partners have, possibly because it has nothing to do with masculinity, but with maturity and mutual respect. So I guess I am saying I agree with your comment on grown-ass people acting like teenagers.
Thank you for your comment!
Women weren’t forced into labor, actually fought for it, demanded it and were one of the forces that drove the revolution. But then I think many were exhausted by what followed, because they were doing double shifts as mothers, managing the home etc, and it was a Catch-22. Also immense pressure during and after WWII, with 27 million lives lost (up to 80% of them men), so women were often on their own completely. Upside is a lot of women in technical professions and science (even in the 1960s nearly half the engineers were women and so on), and as a result little mansplaining.
Agree that because in Western culture these liberties were won many decades later and the situation is at a different stage. We had a reset to male/female relationships in Russia in the 1990s with the “shock therapy” that led to societal collapse, which in turn led to a return to a more traditional roles.
I’m with you that it is about maturity, respect and being a kind, decent person, and that there are assholes in both sexes.
The immature behaviour I think is just ridiculous and insulting to both parties.
I read a post by a woman recently who said what many men don't realise (in the west, but perhaps all over the place) is that the sexiest thing they can offer (that has a chance of lasting) is being competent. Just that. It's nice to have the body of David. But quiet competence wins out. Aesop should have written a fable about that.
The policing of relationships by the very participants (not just their friends, or wider society), the prevalence of clinical psychobabble that tends towards ruling out risk, or pathologising disappointment, the use of ideas that may be well-meant, but are also quasi-judicial - 'boundaries' - I fear it drains the magic out. If you don't start with a tank full of magic, what on earth will your engine run on?
(Does that mean I don't care about abuse in relationships, or 'gas lighting' and all of that? Of course I do. But I also care about losing the baby along with all the bathwater.)
When I was younger, the idea of pre-nups came across the ocean to the UK. I could see the 'logic' but couldn't see the sense. Falling in love and getting married, very young by today's standards, in a foreign country and without a proper job, I knew I could lose what little I had - but that, surely, was the whole point. It wasn't a measured transaction - that would have been charmless, unlovable. Who wants to marry an emotional bookkeeper? It was all or nothing. 'Va bank', as you say in Russian. Po-drugomy nelzya.
I don’t think women place that much emphasis on appearance, especially as we become adults (within reason, not branching out into Jabba the Hutt). There’s something very off-putting about a man who admires his own biceps or spends a lot of time on his looks, it’s un-serious.
Absolutely agree about the draining of magic and your very aptly put “emotional bookkeeper” description!
Same situation for me with everything happening very young and things like prenups being outside my world entirely. I don’t know anyone in Russia who has ever signed a prenup. Always thought this was some very American thing from movies, or relevant if you are a stratospheric business deity with an empire.
I recently saw a reel pop up on social media how even female dogs judge you and will prefer the competent human. There was an experiment when people were opening a container with a lid and either succeeding or failing, and they found a big sex difference in “social evaluation abilities”, I actually looked this up
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S037663572200170X Obviously not to make crude parallels with human women, but I think this is a general biological impulse
I think (beyond the choppy oceans of teenager-hood) there's a suspicion by many men of women who overdo the 'work' on themselves, as it is evidently now known. At their worst, today's trends present quite like self-mutilation.
As for dogs - that's fascinating! But it's certainly true that a dog of any sort will sense if you are a bag of nerves. They'll either sympathise and try to encourage you for a while - or run for it... Which is also not unlike us.
Typical person who thinks the rules she was raised with are fixed, unchangeable. To be sure the mammalian mating instinct is genetic which in turn determines a lot of the process but there are a great many transitional culturally determined fine points to the whole game. I really can't stand these types who say we did it this way and you err by not following our example. Narrowminded is the adjective that most describes her.
Very interesting essay, with a lovely writing style. I agree with so much of what you illustrate here re: masculinity.
Of course you know this, but still it is worth pointing out that NY is not all of America, or even quintessentially American. There are still major cultural differences between California, New England, the South, the Midwest, etc. Concepts of masculinity in the Western part of the US are entwined with the cowboy, the outlaw, the lawman, etc.
And I suppose Americans have a different understanding of female beauty and makeup etc, probably influenced by prairie, WASP and puritan life. In general, large cities are going to have a lot of cultures mixed together, and for that reason it isn’t quite right to equate places like NY with “American culture.” NY is a lot of cultures from a lot of different places.
Thank you for your comment!
Agree with your point about NY not being representative of the country. People often say this about Moscow as well. I tend to compare the two as stand-alone magnet metropolises, for myself.
Unfortunately, I haven’t seen enough of the country to witness these differences first hand, but am aware of them. I found Mainers very beautiful in a detached, Hemingwayan way.
I’ve heard funny stories from female friends about attitudes towards self-presentation and beauty. One told me about when she was driving down from NYC to Florida and stopped somewhere in the Southern states to check into a hotel for the night. Got out of the car dishevelled, all leggings with crumbs on them, just as a beautiful woman in a dress, hair done, was walking out of the hotel. The woman gave her a disgusted once-over, then looked at her NY license plate like, that explains it.
This was such an enjoyable read; I have just discovered your Substack and am immediately smitten. Such refreshing, interesting prose; the kind of writing that is really worth lingering over. Thank you so much; I shall be carefully rationing out the rest of your corpus!
Thank you so much, Alice, means a lot! Happy New Year, hope there’s a magical mood around you tonight and a bit of believing in miracles ❤️
This is brilliant, the idea and the flow, I wish I could write like this.
Thank you for writing this. I have so many things to say about it but can’t collect my thoughts as I type but fully intend to return and reread. Suffice it to say that I am the mother of 2 big very masculine boys (and one girl) and a very macho husband (Turkish, we live in Istanbul) and for many years now, well especially since COVID, I’ve been aware more and more of the pathetic and ridiculous overuse of that term “toxic masculinity”….What does it even mean? It seems to inherently imply that there is a correct dose of masculinity, and that that should presumably a minimum one? But then two things come to mind: surely there can then be “toxic femininity”? Or is it only men who are subject to this correction of spirit? And the other thing that comes to mind is that this defanging of men, for that is what it is, has led to a tremendously sick imbalance in society in general. I felt it viscerally during those lockdown years of 2020-2022 when the sight of young strapping men wearing masks as they strode down streets alone (not so much here but in the US for sure) literally sickened me, though I wasn’t able to put my finger on why at the time. Later I realised it was because I felt “what are we facing if even the young warriors have masked up and are scared? I guess no one is coming to rescue us”…Anyway, this subject definitely deserves much careful attention, for I think you’ve put your finger on a topic that is actually at the center of much more than you might suspect, indeed the very building blocks of society!
Thank you for your sincere and passionate comment! I agree and feel strongly about the “defanging of men” – it is pathologizing the very essence of maleness, it is misandry and I think it is an evolutionary and social dead-end. It also seems a very sad and lonely way to live.
My post was a sort of frivolous rant, mainly inspired by listening to my single friends dating right now and wondering how adults in the developed world manage romantically at all today.
I have a son too and am bothered by the messaging rained down on boys, that is often not only ridiculous but destructive. Ultimately, I think kids do not as we tell them to do, but as they see us do, and I think a son watches his father and emulates the father’s behavior. I also know they will see and absorb at least some of the dynamics inside the family and the healthy atmosphere of respect and lack of “correcting the spirit”. Also, hanging out with dad and other men and experiencing that healthy, relaxed, often activity-centered atmosphere is a strong antidote to bullshit and demonstration of how to be.
>Meanwhile, in Eastern Europe and Russia in particular, women hold 49% of leadership positions (data from 2017-2021). Russia and other Eastern European countries routinely top international rankings of countries with women in senior business roles.
Are there a bunch of oligarchesses that I missed?
I think you nailed it, by the way. "Educated and poor" is the key here.
Thank you!
I think this is also specific to the post-Soviet space, because there was a shift after the Soviet Union collapsed. The Soviet Union focused on the state de facto taking over the man’s role. There was all this talk about creating strong Soviet women, and endless perks offered to women, but nothing really offered to men - not their health, social convenience etc. No clear role was offered to them in effect, except some kind of soldier, essentially disposable.
Good article on this https://www.forbes.ru/forbes-woman/458931-kak-zili-zensiny-v-sovetskom-souze-i-pocemu-tam-ne-bylo-gendernogo-ravenstva Speaks of how after 70 years of Soviet rule there came a “patriarchal renassaince” as the country was plunged into dog eat dog attempts at capitalism in the 1990s. Suddenly, masculinity was essential to survival and in high demand.
I'm not sure it's just post-Soviet - I think you could find these archetypes in poorer US states (I mean, if you saw the TV show Justified, it's all about that), even in Europe somewhere.
The link with education is clear, but it's interesting how financial prosperity or even stability kills those vibes.
I haven’t at all seen that prosperity or stability kills them - stepping out of an artificial, extremely Westernized enclave (international schools), it was everywhere. Later in the professional world too, Russian employees at multinational companies, etc. I speak mainly of Moscow and to some extent St Petersburg, but this is still very much the culture, with people doing very well financially, especially compared to the 1990s.
Maybe, it's much harder for me to judge.
I see what you want men to do for you, but what do you do for them? Playing dress up doesn't count.
I appreciate it might sound transactional but it's not transactional to feel repelled by a long list of demands.
Very difficult to read. Please seek help from an editor.
Very few women raised in western dystopias in the last 40 years could actually read this without being horrified. By and large their only ambition in life is to become third rate versions of men , because that is “power”. Real women have a totally different power to men , know it , use it and don’t need to ape men. Why would they?
The problem is more the women than the men. You mention that the first date is where a man is supposed to amaze her, and why would men wish to go through all that effort if another man can put little to no effort into the same girl and reap greater rewards? Women are the gatekeepers of men with whom they choose to sleep. The fixation on fun rather than maturity and virtue is dissuasive to great swaths of men. Additionally, there has been a study that suggested that women are attracted to what's called the dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy), and most men don't want to have act like antisocial scoundrel. The conclusion I have from the little skimming I did of your article is that it's the cliche of women blaming men and not taking responsibility in the part they had to play in creating the situation that they lament.
Thank you for a really in-depth interesting text! Could you perhaps elaborate on the term "Caligular relationship", as I did not quite catch on to what that is?
Thank you! Was thinking of him
https://www.historyhit.com/facts-about-emperor-caligula/